The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
