gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
