She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
