she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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