I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
