Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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