sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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