I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
