My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
