I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
