Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
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