So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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