I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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