Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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