Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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