My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
