You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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