the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
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OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
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me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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