just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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