I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
