I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji