I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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