I didn't shave. On purpose
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
