How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
