im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
