It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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