I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
