Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
