ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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