your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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