The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
