Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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