Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
