Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
