I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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