Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
