Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
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Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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