So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
