Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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