Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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