I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
