I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
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If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.