i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
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I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...