when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
