Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
