I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
