Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
