Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
