i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
