I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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