Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
