if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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