hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
