And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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