I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
