mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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