just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
