I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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